Movie Review: RABID GRANNIES (1988)

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This movie is batshit insane.

RABID GRANNIES is a film I've ducked for years. Why? Because the original, cheesy VHS cover-photo did nothing to endear me to the idea, nor did the ridiculous movie-title. And then there's the fact that TROMA released it here in the states, and I have something of a love-hate relationship with the studio, because I find them incredibly hit-and-miss. To be fair, they didn't make it, they just distributed it, and that's a fact that eluded me until recently.

Now, ducking out on this 1988 Belgian horror-comedy may or may not have been a mistake. I lean towards being wise to do so, because for years now, most of the releases boast big cuts to the gore-quotient, which makes no goddamn sense for a Troma release. However, some kind soul decided to take various releases and use them to cobble-together what may be the most complete version of the film to date, and then opted to put that on YouTube for free. This person is a God among mortals, and this is the version that I finally watched.

This flick is nothing less than the wicked, bastard-child of DEMONS, DEAD-ALIVE, and any movie you have ever seen that involves a bunch of familial parasites waiting for their aged "loved one" to kick-it so they can rake in their chunk of change. In this case, we have a pair of elderly ladies, the "grannies" of the title, that are actually referred to as Aunts, not grandmothers. They're celebrating their birthdays with a party that is evidently an annual affair. Attending are all their "loving" relatives, all of which are distasteful leeches in one way or other.

We have the asshole cousin who manufactures weapons, the asshole cousin who drives fast and womanizes faster, the asshole cousin who is a successful lesbian stereotype and has brought her current employee squeeze, the slightly-less-assholish cousin who has brought her coward of a husband and their two kids, the slightly-less-assholish spinster, the asshole cousin who is a cowardly, hypocritical priest, and the asshole cousin who is an obese, cockney factory-owner (that evidently manufactures condoms) that has brought-along his new trophy-wife who happens to be a nightclub singer. We've also got a long-suffering Butler, a bossy Cook, and the hapless maid. There's lots of food, lots of gossip and sycophantic sniping, and lots of thick, Belgian accents.

But, we also have the ESTRANGED ASSHOLE COUSIN, who isn't in attendance, but has sent along a present anyway. And why is this cousin estranged, pray-tell? Why, because he worships Satan and once held a black mass, of course! And you know what that means, right kids? Its means that these Auntie-Grannies aren't going to end up rabid at all, but rather they end up being Demon-Possessed!

So, I guess a better title would have been DEMON AUNTIES, but that doesn't have the same absurd ring to it.

Anyway, the film meanders its way through introducing us to this cast of boring stereotypes, and hits us with all sorts of silly, poorly-delivered dialogue. Its a bit of a slog, but as the party starts to wind down, the cake is brought out, and the final present from the Devil-Worshiping cousin is opened, the film takes off, and the shit hits the fan.

Now possessed, the Aunties decide that their nieces and nephews are surplus to requirements, and decide to trim the fat. And boy, in the gore-soaked case of the obese condom-factory cousin, do they ever trim the fat. The film still manages to bog itself down between gory death-scenes, thanks to the assorted family-members scattering and hiding together in various rooms as they are stalked here and there by their evil Aunties, but its still good fun. My favorite bit is the scene where arms-dealer nephew decides he's had enough of all the carnage and manages to retrieve a tactical-shotgun and then confronts his possessed Aunts is a glorious, gory standout, that deserves special recognition for its mean-spirited, blood-soaked hilarity.

The finale is a little bit of a letdown, but it works well-enough, and the aftermath is morbidly amusing as well. If you're looking for some goofy, European horror with a high body-count and lots of goop and grue, then RABID GRANNIES may just be what you're looking for. And with the best edit available for free right now on YouTube, the only thing you risk at all is your time. I say give it a shot!

Three stars! ***

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